Gone With The WWE
by Ace of Hearts
Summary: The ratings are falling. The attendance records are slipping. Vince needs a new cash cow fast...so Stephanie suggests he rip off a movie "so old nobody will remember it and will think it's a WWE original." A movie like, say, Gone With The Wind?


The invitation read in fancy gold calligraphy, which took Mick Foley and Tommy Dreamer pretty much an eternity (or ten minutes) to figure out, _You are ordered to come to the premiere of Vince McMahon's grandiose remake of the epic Old South love story, _Gone With The Wind. _Don't forget to RSVP, because if you don't, YOU'RE FIRED!!! Courteously, the McMahon family._ After reading this, Foley and Dreamer exchanged dumbfounded looks, before the former finally shrugged and muttered, "Oh, well, Vinnie Mac's publicly announced before that I'd quit the WWE to enter a partnership with the Slimfast Company--the man's got a bizarre sense of humor." Dreamer shook his head, flipping the invitation over and pointing out, "As scary as it may be, I think he's serious about this _Gone With The Wind _remake--look, there's a program and cast list in the back and everything!" He pointed, and together the two hunched over the little booklet and began reading the cast list intently. 

_Stephanie McMahon tackles the important role of Scarlett O'Hara to become...Stephanie O'Hara!!!_

_Chris Jericho has been duped into believing he'll be playing Jon Bon Jovi in a rockumentary, when all along he was penciled in to play Rhett Butler as...Rhett Jericho!!!_

_Shawn Michaels got threatened to be fired unless he signed on to play Ashley Wilkes and change his name to...Shawn Ashley Michaels!!! (yeah, I know, real lame! x_x)_

_By some miracle of God (or maybe because the casting director was too scared or too stoned to realize what he was doing), Victoria got the role of the gentle and kind-hearted Melanie Wilkes and will appear in the movie as...Victoria Michaels!!!_

_Despite obviously not being black or even female, Hulk Hogan was the only one under Vince McMahon's sphere of influence who was both big _and_ old enough to play the ancient Mammy, which is why he'll now be known as...Hulky, the Mammy-in-Drag!!!_

_Terri will have to have her face blackened with ash (and the McMahon family will probably have lawsuits coming out of their asses once this ordeal is over) to play the ditzy little nurse/maid, Prissy, but for the moment she will be referred to as...Prissy Terri!!!_

_Trish Stratus will play the stiff-necked spinster loser sister of Ashley, India Wilkes, because quite honestly, everybody's getting sick of seeing her Wonder Woman-ing around beating all the other divas, which is why she'll now be...Trishia Michaels, the ultimate old maid!!!_

_Sable will have no problem making the role of a prostitute all her own--if only she could just act instead of overeact!--as the madam of a brothel, Belle Watling, when she becomes...Sabelle Watling!!!_

_Kurt Angle will also have no problem playing his role--this one of a poor guy getting harassed and bullied by Stephanie 24/7--when he got lured with a year's supply of milk into playing Stephanie's second husband, Mr. Frank Kennedy, as...Mr. Kurt Angle!!! (like, duh!)_

_Jeff Hardy will now be playing Stephanie's first husband and Victoria's older brother, Charles Hamilton, when the original Mr. Hamilton, Zack Gowan, knocked him out with his prosthetic leg to escape being wrangled into that particular role, so the multi-colored Mr. 2Xtreme will now be...Jeffrey Hardy!!!_

_Nidia will play the Spawn of Satan--urk, that is, Stephanie and Jericho's beloved daughter, Bonnie--simply because she's the only diva with curly hair, which is why you'll see her in the movie as...Niddie!!!_

_Stone Cold Steve Austin will fit perfectly as the brash and loud-mouthed father of Scarlett, Gerald O'Hara, when he signed on the dotted line while in a drunken stupor to play...Austin O'Hara!!!_

_Because she's just so darn nice, Molly Holly will be the all-great and all-nice and all-ladylike mother of Stephanie and wife to Austin (poor girl!), Ellen Robillard O'Hara, as...Molly O'Hara!!!_

_Stacy Keibler and Torrie Wilson are Stephanie's younger sisters, Suellen and Carreen, simply because the casting director couldn't find anywhere else to stick them and needed two more chicks to fill those roles, so now we'll have...Stacy and Torrie O'Hara!!!_

"Oh, wow," Foley mumbled when he was finished. "Talk about a time bomb--or a lawsuit--just waiting to happen." Dreamer tsk-tsked, shaking his head and wondering out loud, "I wonder how all this came about." 

* * *

**Ten Months Earlier...**

Vince and good ol' J.R. paced rapidly around the main WWE offices in Connecticut, wondering why on God's green earth the ratings were still plummeting faster than Michael Jackson's album sales.   
"I just don't understand it," Vinnie Mac lamented, pounding his fist against the wall and then wincing when he realized what a stupid move that was and nursing his bruised knuckles. "I mean, us McMahons hogging up the airwaves, new talent being introduced without any build-ups or storylines, La Résistance using those lovely voices of theirs to sing France's national anthem, Big Show lodged in the main event as tightly as if he were lodged in a Brooklyn manhole--what are the fans' problems? These are brilliant storylines!"   
"By God, by God, that old hoss is completely right!" J.R. hollered at the top of his lungs in agreement.   
"It must be the creative team's fault--they're misinterpreting all my brilliant ideas!" Vince raged, shaking a hand accusingly at the creative team--Stephanie boredly filing her nails while sitting with her feet propped up and her legs crossed on the long walnut table, Triple H breathing down the necks of five balding middle-aged men in pinstripe suits, Bubbles the chimp hovering over a typewriter and working diligently at spelling out the word "poo-poo"...and, of course, Paul Heyman in a corner, tied and gagged and with a pointy hat that read "Weirdo Walrus" plunked over his head.   
"Yes, those writers' abilities to rightfully interpret your brilliant ideas are running from their minds like scalded dogs with their tails between their legs!" J.R. sucked up with a bit too much zest, waving his hat around for emphasis. 

As Vince and J.R. continued to ponder over their problem, Stephanie turned around, languidly blowing on her nails, and mentioned, "You know, Daddy, a lot of celebrities who can't act worth crap are making movies nowadays."   
"Oh, really?" her father asked with about as much enthusiasm as if he'd just been told that Goldberg was planning on trying out Rogaine. Hunter, however, looked up, as he agreed with his wife-to-be, "She's right, Vince, and many of these suckers are raking in a lot of money, no matter how badly they act."   
"Oh, _really?"_ Now Vince's enthusiasm level had shot up to the level of being told that Sable was planning to augment her breasts bigger than Pamela Anderson's, as Stephanie nodded and pointed out, "Definitely, Daddy--I mean, just look at how pitiful Rock's performance was in _The Scorpion King,_ yet it still made a reasonable amount of money."   
"So what you're saying," Vince muttered to himself, beginning to catch on, "is that I should finance a WWE movie to make some money and draw the fans back into our product."   
"That's right," Stephanie nodded, going back to her nails again. Vince began stroking his chin in that evil way that villains with goatees do when they're plotting some mega-evil conspiracy to take over the world, when suddenly, an idea occurred to him and he sighed and shook his head.   
"There's only one problem with my moneymaking scheme that I thought up all by myself, however," he brought up. "Our creative team is completely misinterpreting all my brilliant ideas, and any movie script by them will send our lackeys--uh, I mean, our beloved fans--running in the other direction."   
"Well, you don't _have_ to come up with your own original script," Stephanie pointed out.   
"Just do a remake--it's the in thing right now," Hunter suggested.   
"Yeah, rip off some movie so old that people won't remember it and will think it's a WWE original," Stephanie added. She then brightened up, and advised, "Oh, like that _Gone With The Wind_ flick! It's _really_ old--I mean, so old that none of our fans were even born--hell, they weren't even _conceived_--when that movie was made! Nobody'll even _know_ we ripped it off!" 

* * *

**Three Days Later...**

"As God is my--my--hmm, as God is my..." Stacy tried to rehearse, squinting at the script she held and then turning to Steiner for help. "What's that word?"   
"Oh, I think it's German--look at that "w" and all those "s's," Mr. Freakzilla took time out of his busy schedule of flexing and injecting to advise wisely. Molly rolled her eyes, while Torrie glared at her best bimbo and gritted out, "You're not thinking of trying out for the part of Scarlett O'Hara, are you? Because we all know _I'm_ getting that part." Stacy turned on her and scowled.   
"Oh, yeah?" she challenged. "Well...well your face looks weird!" Torrie's hands shot up to her cheeks, a lá Macauly Culkin in _Home Alone._   
"How can you say that?" she gasped. "This is the face attached to the boobs that graced the pages of _Playboy!"_ Stacy waved her hands airily back and forth in response.   
"And might I remind you (whoa, big word) that Chyna's face also "graced" the pages of _Playboy_--twice!" she spat back triumphantly. 

At that moment, Stephanie walked by, calling out as she did so, "Both of you can forget about being Scarlett, because _I'm_ going play her part in my daddy's movie!"   
"As if!" Trish snapped. "Scarlett's supposed to be small and slender, not have the shoulders of a linebacker and a puffy gut to match!"   
"Which is why _I_ fit the role perfectly," Gail Kim butted in, as Stephanie glared at Trish for her jibe. "Look at how delightfully slender I am...and besides, I'm the new Women's Champion! I deserve to be Scarlett!" Trish turned on her.   
"You're Korean!" she snapped. "Forgive me while I sound like an impossible racist, but what kind of an 1860's Southern belle is Korean?!"   
"And _you're_ too old to play Scarlett," Stacy reminded the blonde bombshell. "Therefore, as the youngest diva on the roster, _I_ ought to play Scarlett." Stephanie cleared her throat annoyedly.   
"Well, all of you can forget about playing Scarlett, because Daddy has already assured me that _I've_ got the part after witnessing my stunning audition," she haughtily informed the other women. "So, the rest of you little people can have fun jostling for the role of my pale, washed up, lame-brained sidekick, Melanie!" A general huff of disappointment rippled across the diva ranks, and five minutes later Stacy suddenly perked up and squealed, "Ooh, witnessing--that's the word there, except without the -ing! Hah! As God is my witness, I shall never be...hmm, what's this word, the one that I can't pronounce and that starts with that one letter that looks like an "n" but with a longer stick thingie?" 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, the men were decisively less enthusiastic about their auditions. Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash, Rob Van Dam, Matt Hardy, and Shane Helms were sitting around a little table, looking bored out of their minds and with Shane carefully blowing his nose on a bright green Kleenex.   
"So, why are all of you guys here?" Shawn asked the others in an effort to make idle conversation.   
"Wife made me," came RVD's response.   
"Hunter made me," came Nash's response.   
"Pnnft-pnnft," Shane continued to blow his superheroic nose on his superheroic tissue.   
"Well, Lita's still pissed at me for throwing away all of her thongs thinking they were Jeff's hair extensions, so I needed a place to hide out," Matt admitted. He then gave a sideways glance at Shawn, and asked suspiciously, "Why are you here?" Shawn's shoulders slumped, and he confessed defeatedly, "Vince threatened to fire me unless I auditioned."   
"Vince stinks," Matt grumbled, "for making us do this insanely long chick flick."   
"Look on the bright side--at least nobody can gloat over everyone else's misery, since none of us are happy about doing this," Shawn pointed out weakly. 

At that moment, the metallic doors to the auditorium where auditions were being held slammed open, and a little portable tape player started blasting "Break The Walls Down," as Jericho posed in the doorway.   
"The King of the World has arrived, bay-bee!" he declared grandly, and Shawn winced and mumbled, "Cept for that guy."   
"He _is_ a bit too enthusiastic about this," Nash observed, narrowing his eyes skeptically. "I wonder if he knows..." While the fearsome fivesome were discussing Jericho's unholy glee in auditioning, Jeff Hardy had bounced over to Jericho and asked, "Hey there blondie, what are you in here for, me I'm auditioning for a role, see Matt forced me to come here, something about how if he's going to have to go down, then he's taking me with him, and hey, what kind of bleach you're using for your hair, 'cause it's totally frying it, now I use a special kind of all-organic dye, which is why my hair is so beautiful and smooth and perfect and unharmed and even, and have you got any Skittles?" Jericho harrumphed self-importantly, declaring, "The King of the World has no time to concern his Royal Gorgeousness with your insignificant little issues, you impudent multi-colored lackey! _I_ am here to audition for--and get, naturally--the part of Jon Bon Jovi in what Vince has promised me is a grandiose rockumentary motion picture masterpiece!"   
"Good for you," Jeff agreed amiably. "In that case, I want to play the lead singer of Blondie!"   
"Debbie Harry?" Jericho guessed, bewildered. "Isn't she a girl, though?" Jeff stared right back, as though he didn't understand how this presented a problem.   
"And so?" he wanted to know. "Hey, did you really think I've been wearing makeup all this time just for the hell of it?!" Jericho backed off, whistling innocently, "Another Rico. Damn!" The APA popped out of nowhere for the wrestler formerly known as Farooq to yell, "Never steal my one and only catchphrase again, brother!"   
"Ahem!" Hogan cleared his throat pointedly. 

Back at their table, Shawn, Nash, and Matt were watching in baffled disbelief (Shane and RVD were too engaged in an extremely intellectual and superheroic game of tic-tac-toe to notice anything out of the ordinary).   
"They don't know," Matt whistled. "I never thought I'd see the day where a man even more clueless than my little brother would show himself, but good grief, they don't know!"   
"They don't know the movie's actually some chick flick about wind," Nash repeated in bemusement.   
"Well, _I'm_ certainly not going to tell them," Shawn spoke up. "Matter of fact, I'll recommend one of them to Vince to play the leading male--reduces _my_ onscreen time." 


End file.
